


Cosmo, Curiosity, and the Collection of Data

by whiskyandwildflowers



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Cursed Child - Thorne & Rowling
Genre: Anal Sex, Awkward Sexual Situations, Humor, M/M, Sexual Experimentation, Wheely Chairs, cosmo magazine, the sex is really awkward sorry not sorry, two dorks in love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-10
Updated: 2018-09-10
Packaged: 2019-07-10 11:33:13
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,571
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15948503
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/whiskyandwildflowers/pseuds/whiskyandwildflowers
Summary: An issue ofCosmomagazine in the hands of Scorpius Malfoy is a dangerous thing.





	Cosmo, Curiosity, and the Collection of Data

**Author's Note:**

> I forget sometimes that Scorbus is the reason I got back into fic in the first place!
> 
> I live for chatty, inquisitive Scorpius who can't stop talking even during sex, and I feel like he would just love picking through an issue of Cosmo!
> 
> Most of the headlines and the quiz came lifted right from the pages of Cosmo, and teledildonics is a real thing/term that I learned during my "research". You're welcome. 
> 
> Thank you so much to violetclarity for the beta! Any remaining mistakes are my own!

* * *

Albus wishes that walking in on Scorpius cross-legged on their couch with a _Cosmo_ magazine is the weirdest thing he’s ever walked in on him doing, but this only rates about a 6.5 on the scale.

“Why the fuck do you have _that_?” Albus asks as he plops down on the couch next to Scorpius.

“Oh, hey Al. This—it’s _Cosmo_! One of Vic’s friends had it when they dropped Teddy and James here and they just let me have it because they said nobody had ever asked so many questions about a magazine before. I don’t really care, I’d rather just read it myself anyway, get the information first hand, y’know?” 

“Yeah, okay, but _why_?” Albus asks, looking over at the magazine in Scorpius' lap.

“Why not?" A typical Scorpius response to any question of _why_.  "And get a load of this: _5 Crazy-Scientific Dating Apps That Lead to Love_. Al, they don’t even cite their sources. It’s outrageous! You can’t trust data presented that way." Scorpius rolls his eyes deeply in exasperation and Albus's stomach flutters. "Also, _When Your Vagina Acts Weird_. There’s a lot about vaginas in here, which, fair enough, but they just completely disregard the fact that plenty of women don’t even _have_ vaginas. Pretty alienating to have so much vagina-centric content. But I’m not a woman nor do I have a vagina so maybe I’m not the best person to be criticizing, I dunno.” Scorpius is clearly spiralling. “I did appreciate their piece about tooth enamel and dental hygiene though.”

“Maybe we should just put the magazine away for now. Did you drink coffee today? Scorp, you know what happens when you have too much caffeine,” Albus offers tentatively, taking in Scorpius’s intense look and wild gesticulations.

“Might’ve had a bit. And look—every sex tip is directed to cis straight couples. Almost offensively heteronormative. And for the record, it’s not even very innovative. There are two whole pages just on having sex from behind, as if people haven’t been doing that for literally thousands of years. They’re not re-inventing the wheel. That position was probably invented _before_ the wheel. We used it yesterday!”

“Oh, _did_ you?”

Of course James and Teddy choose this exact moment to come into the living room of their shared flat. Albus loves his brother, but he has absolutely no concept of personal space or boundaries.

“Scorp, are you still reading this? You were in this exact position two hours ago when we first got in.” James climbs over the back of the couch and slides down between Albus and Scorpius, snatching the magazine out of Scorpius’s grip. Teddy leans over the back of the couch, reading over James’s shoulder.

“Oh, a quiz. I love these! _Are You A Fun Friend?_ I dunno, am I a fun friend, Teds?” James asks, and leers at Teddy who shakes his head with an exasperated laugh. “I’ll have to consult the experts.”

“You do realize that it’s super easy to just get whatever answer you want, right? I don’t even have time to tell you how wildly inaccurate this is. All of the As, Bs, and Cs correspond with the same extremely obvious result.” Scorpius always seems to look a little bit pointier when he’s getting worked up.

James hums a little and ignores Scorpius completely as he runs through his answers. “Apparently I am a ‘Bananas Bud’ and I need to reign in my _antics_.”

Teddy snorts. “Maybe this quiz is a little more accurate than we thought.”

James continues to flip through the magazine, opening a perfume strip and rubbing it on his neck, and ripping out a page about computer chip-enabled sex toys with touch response technology— _teledildonics_. Scorpius looks like he’s in physical pain when he hears the paper rip, but Albus is mostly annoyed because that was the most interesting-looking article in the entire fucking magazine.

“James, will you fuck off for a bit? Please? Give Scorp the magazine back.”

“Oh, Al, lighten up! If you’re not careful, you’ll end up in the ‘Fun-ish Friend’ category.” James turns to Scorpius with a slightly sheepish look. “And I’m sorry Scorpy, I didn’t mean to overstep.”

“C’mon, Jamie. The movie’s starting soon anyway.” Teddy squeezes James’s shoulder. He’s the only person who can get James to listen.

James presses a sloppy kiss to Scorpius’s cheek, ruffles Albus’s hair, and slips the article about tele-cyborg-whatever dildos into his back pocket as he stands up.

“Have a fun, gentlemen. Use protection! They have some suggestions on page 73.” James winks and follows Teddy out the front door.

Scorpius opens the magazine back to the place he left off before James and Teddy barged in.

“Okay, so I know this magazine is objectively terrible. But there are a few things in here I want to try. I mean, the only way to really know for sure if the advice in here is bad or good is to test it ourselves.”

Albus sighs—the results of Scorpius’ bedroom experiments are usually very mixed.

“I dunno, Scorp. Can’t we just have sex the normal way?”

“You shouldn’t call any sex the _normal_ way, Al. It makes it seem like any sex outside of the kind you like to have is abnormal. We’re not the ones who get to decide what’s normal and what isn’t.”

“Okay, our _usual_ way then.”

“C’mon, Al! I just want to know. I just want to try some stuff. And if anything is truly terrible, I promise to eat you out for as long as you want.”

Scorpius is holding on to the magazine for dear life with a pleading look in his eyes, and Albus knows he’s done for. He groans and buries his burning face into Scorpius’ neck. It’s still hard for Albus to get used to the way Scorpius talks about sex so plainly, his curiosity overriding every other instinct.

Sometimes Albus suspects that Scorpius knows exactly what he’s doing and just likes to see him flush.

“Fine. Fine! Let’s go!” Albus says, his words muffled by Scorpius’ shirt. Scorpius hauls Albus into a kiss that’s full of too many teeth because he’s smiling so hard. He slips one hand into the pocket on the front of Albus’s hoodie and deposits the _Cosmo_.

They kiss and trip their way into their room. Scorpius’ hands are everywhere, sliding up underneath Albus’s hoodie and slipping down the back of his trousers. Albus sucks on Scorpius’s lower lip a bit and cups his cheek, thumb rubbing over his jawline. Scorpius hastily starts removing his shirt and grabs the _Cosmo_ from Albus’s pocket.

“Okay, jumper off, Al! ‘Cause I feel like we’re going to need a full range of motion.”

“ ‘A full range of motion’? Scorp, we’re trying a new position from a stupid magazine. This isn’t like that aerial yoga thing you tried to get me to do, is it? ‘Cause I love you, but I’m still not going to try that.”

“No—love you too—no, it’s not like that. I mean, I also still think that aerial yoga could have some very interesting benefits, but we can come back to that.” Scorpius presses small kisses against the side of Albus’s neck and then moves away to yank Albus’s hoodie over his head. He beams and runs a hand through Albus’s hair.

“I love your hair, Al. It defies gravity and it’s so soft.” He’s so comfortable and verbal with his affection. It makes Albus’s heart ache.

Any minute not spent kissing and loving Scorpius Malfoy is time wasted, so Albus kisses him and drowns a little in the tiny desperate noises he makes. Scorpius pours every ounce of enthusiasm into everything he does, and so they kiss furiously until Scorpius pulls away, flushed and breathless, and starts to lick a trail down Albus’s chest.

“Okay, trousers and pants off, I’ll do mine.” Scorpius shucks off his trousers, his prick flushed and jutting out from body, and conjures a handful of lube. Albus lies down on the edge of bed and lets his legs dangle.

“C’mere Scorp.” Albus feels hot and sweaty all over.

“Al, I love you like this. I can’t believe we actually get to have sex whenever we want. Like I actually sometimes find it hard to believe.” Scorpius moves on top of him and presses a sticky finger against Albus’s entrance. Albus gasps when it slides inside, relishing the stretch.

“Fuck, Scorp. _Merlin_ , your fingers.” Scorpius adds another and strokes Albus gently inside.

“You’re so hot inside, Al. Do you ever do this to yourself? I mean, you’ve felt how hot I am inside so I guess it’s comparable.”

“Scorp, ah fuck—Scorp you’re really good at this, fuck.”

“ _Merlin_ , Al. Also, how much do you think one of those touch response dildos would run us? S’just I think that could be cool, ‘cause while I’m inside of you, it could feel like you’re inside of me? Maybe? I’m not sure whose touch it responds to exactly. I could try the dildo first if you’re not keen. I wonder if James will give me the article back. D’you think he and Teddy are going to buy one? D’you think he’d report back if I asked him?”

“Please—oh, _fuck_ Scorp—please don’t fucking ask him about the cyber dildo for the love of Merlin.”

“Alright, I won’t.” Scorpius slides his fingers out of Albus and moves to their desk chair, wheeling it over.

“What the fuck is that for?”

“Well one of the suggestions is to try in a chair. Like, I’ll sit and you’ll climb aboard, but back facing me, so it’s like from behind but sitting I guess? The picture doesn’t really give a whole lot to go on because they don’t move, but I think I have the basic logistics down.” Scorpius sits in the wheely chair and absentmindedly strokes his cock.

Albus makes his way over and tries to position Scorpius’s cock against himself while also trying to climb onto his lap, but the chair keeps rolling and it’s too hard to get any leverage. The head of Scorpius’ cock slips between Albus’ arsecheeks, but they can’t get very far without losing balance or launching themselves halfway across the bedroom.

“Scorp, I think we’re supposed to use a regular chair. Y’know, one that won’t move,” Albus says after five minutes of rolling around the room, slipping against each other, and getting lube-covered fingerprints all over the arms of the chair and the seat.

“Oh, yeah, that makes a lot more sense. I don’t know if I have the core strength to keep us steady. I just thought I’d use what we had handy, and the padding is way more comfortable. But I can go out to the kitchen and get a different chair!”

“No, fuck, maybe we can forget the chair. I don’t want to get lube all over a chair that we sit in to eat. Even if we clean it just…yeah, no.”

“Okay, well we can try it standing? Like, you brace yourself on the desk and we can do it that way? I don’t know why we haven’t thought of doing it this way before—it’s not exactly groundbreaking, is it?” Scorpius looks a bit lost in thought, likely cycling through all the positions they _have_ tried before in his head.

Albus goes over to the desk and plants his palms flat on the top. Scorpius comes up behind him, nudging his legs apart and examining him. Albus feels a bit like a purebred Crup being assessed at a show.

“Getting a little cold here, Scorp!”

“Right, sorry! This position is supposed to be good for g-spot stim, and like obviously you don’t have one of those, but I think in theory it would be good for your prostate too? If it’s not let me know! Or, if it’s good let me know! Either way.” Scorpius mouths against Albus’ shoulder blade as he presses inside.

“Oh, Al—you’re so tight, you’re always so warm and tight. _Merlin_ this is great. You’re so great, wow.” Scorpius is scorching hot and hard inside of him.

“Oh fuck Scorp, that’s nice. Fuck, you can go a little harder, yeah?” Albus’s cock is leaking precome all over the hardwood floor.

“Okay, okay, I will—Merlin, Al I love you, love being inside of you.” Scorpius picks up his pace, his cock rubbing against Al’s prostate on every pass.

“Fuck—just like that Scorp, keep doing it exactly like you’re doing.” Albus wanks his cock as Scorpius thrusts inside, flicking his wrist a little and rubbing his thumb over the head.

“Al, d’you ever think how lucky we are to be wizards? Like—oh Merlin, Al—like I can just conjure lube, and we can just use protection and health spells, but Muggles can’t. Have you seen a condom? I know you have. S’just kind of funny because they look like a balloon for your dick. I’d try one if we had to but—yeah, wow, oh this feels amazing—but like the one I saw in _Cosmo_ today was red. Red, Al. D’you think it turns your dick red? Like a Gryffindick. The true Sword of Gryffindor.”

Scorpius starts to laugh a bit and then Albus does too, because it’s hard not to laugh when thinking about a red balloon on your cock.

“Oh, Al I’m so close. Wow, you’re so _tight_ when you laugh like that. People should laugh more during sex—it’s like you’re actually gripping me or something.”

Scorpius must really be close, because he’s mouthing sloppy kisses at the back of Albus’s neck and letting out these urgent little huffs of breath.

“I—I think—” Albus feels the pulse of Scorpius coming inside of him, which pushes him over the edge and he come all over the floor.

Scorpius pulls out and spins Albus around, kissing him messily and steering them back over to the bed. They collapse in a gross and sweaty heap. After the necessary Cleaning Charms, Albus has almost fallen into a sated sleep when he hears the rustling of paper.

He cracks an eye open to see Scorpius with the magazine again.

“Scorp, I think we can give _Cosmo_ a rest. Points for the desk sex, but I think the wheely chair experiment was a failure.”

“I’m not sure that one was _Cosmo’s_ fault, Al. S’just human error.” Scorpius turns his attention back to the magazine. “Hey, Al, after sex, d’you think you’re a Cuddling person, a Round Two person, a Pillow Talk person, a Sleeping person, an Ordering Takeaway person, or a Netflix person?”

“Scorp, I dunno. I’m a Let’s Just Lie Here person.”

“Well, Al, there’s no percentage here for that. That’s kind of close to Sleeping though, so that puts you in line with roughly 12 percent of men surveyed. Although again, they’re very vague on their method of data collection, and I have no idea what kind of sample size they’re working with.” Scorpius wraps himself around Albus and strokes his hair, running his blunt nails over Albus’s scalp.

Albus feels his cock twitch as Scorpius pets his hair and kisses him, all the while rambling on about the fucking magazine. Maybe he’s a Round Two person after all—in line with 35 percent of the men allegedly surveyed.

Albus wonders what Scorpius would have to say about that.

 

**Author's Note:**

> You can find me on [tumblr](https://whiskyandwildflowers.tumblr.com)


End file.
